Me+Whoever

"Please, Miss Me, may I have your autograph?"

"Excuse me! Can you give me your autograph, please? Make it out to John. Something like...I love you, John. Love, Miss Me."

"Miss. Me, could you sign my T-shirt?" And so she did. She refused no one. Always gracious and giving to the end, she took time for each request, though tired, and smilingly gave of herself."

Everyday he would see her. Mr. Whoever. He saw her coming down the carpet. Mr. Whoever followed her. He watched her. And he wished for her autograph. He wished for it more than anything.

One day Mr. Whoever was noticed by Miss Me. She wasn't annoyed. She even seemed somewhat flattered by his presence. She invited him to come with her. As she signed and waved her gloved hand and fluttered her false lashes, he sat in the shadows and admired the subtle things about her-- the curve of her back, the grace of her nose, and the way the flashbulbs made her hair glisten. Lots of people were fascinated by Miss Me. "Surely," thought Mr. Whoever, "I am no different than these."

And then, when the last light faded, and the last autograph signed, Miss Me turned to Mr. Whoever, and said, "Come with me." How he swelled up on the inside to be her private guest! She never said where she was taking him. She only said "Come," and he came.

She took him to a garden. She showed him an ancient tree in the moonlight. "This," said she, "Is where I come each day." She sat down at its roots and patted the place beside her. As he sat down the musky earth smell rose up and it was everything. She was everything. And she kissed him there. And after she had kissed him, she pulled her hand from his and gave him her autograph. "Me and Whoever," she wrote. She wrote it on the trunk of the tree. No one would know what that meant. But he knew. And so did she.

And so, Miss Me and Whoever met often. Often in shadows. Often at the old tree. And whenever Mr. Whoever was not at the tree, Miss Me would send a message, "Come!" she would say. "Why aren't you here already?" And he would shake his head in disbelief that she could possibly have extended open invitation to him.

She showed him around and he enjoyed learning the garden's secrets. She showed him the fragrant forget-me-nots growing by the gate and giggled. "This is where I first kissed Stevie Eff," she said, and his heart sank a little. But he remembered his name on the tree with hers. And though no one knew what it meant, he knew...and so did she.

She took him deeper inside and he saw the narcissus, it's white bells suspended on dark stems invisible at this late hour. "I touched a boy there near those flowers," she said almost proudly, "but I don't remember his name." No pang hit his chest.

And then she ran to the tree and looked back to make sure he was following.

Little by little, he began learn that with her, no invitation was necessary. At first, it had been hard to even come through the gate without calling her name first. She laughed at that. But little by little he began to come unasked as he supposed she wanted. Tentatively at first. Then with more frequency. She encouraged it. So he would come without asking and he went directly to the tree where she would be. And she would pull him in and embrace him in the darkness near the bark that bore their names. Indeed no one knew what it meant. No one knew how important it was. But he knew...and so did she.

One day, before their shadowy rendezvous, Whoever received a message. "I just wanted you to know," she said, "that I had to give away some of my tree today." His mind flashed to the scenes he knew so well. Miss Me attending to others selflessly. "Someone needed to build a home" he thought, "and she gave him the wood. Or maybe even," he thought painfully as he envisioned it, "maybe someone was cold and needed a fire."

"Did you give the needy person one of the high branches that needed to be trimmed?" he asked with a lump in his throat. Miss Me didn't answer. "Did you give him the back side of the tree that we never sit under because it's mossy?" he asked. He waited. And his heart waited for the reply. "No," she said, "the best part of the tree is the bark. I gave my best, as I always do."

"It's true," he thought. "You always do give your best. But...the bark?? What about...what about..." he stammered, "What about our names?"

"Are you going to be that petty?" she asked. "It's just bark. It's just names. I'll write it for you again."

But it wasn't just bark and it wasn't just names to Whoever. "And your friend?" he asked, "What did your friend need the wood for?"

"He was having a party and wanted kindling for a fire," she said.

"For such a whim as that?" Whoever imagined flames eating words unknown by the burner. His heart was broken. "But that had our names on it. That was special to me," he said.

"Well, it's not anything special. It was just bark and names. I already told you that. It was my tree. I can do with it as I please."

And it was true. The tree belonged to Miss Me. It was hers. She could do what she wanted with it.

And it was true. It was just bark and names. No one else knew what it meant. No one else knew how important it was. But he knew...

Adios Amigos!

So long, facebook. It’s been real. It’s been fun...

Wait--on second thought it hasn’t been that real.

Think about it. On facebook we belong to “groups” of people who never congregate, we run cafes (man i’m gonna miss my sweet little place) and farms (or pot farms) that never materialize. We “chat” without saying anything. Most of us have even mastered the art of “vaguebooking,” where we post a status, that really gives no clue to the reader as to what our status is at all. And perhaps the most obvious indication that facebook isn’t real is found in our “friends.”

My profile says I have 240 friends (which btw is 3 down from a week ago when I posted something “questionable). I always am amazed at that number. “Do I even KNOW 240 people?” And are they really friends?

Facebook needs to come up with new classifications. The word “friend” is outdated and misleading. And then there are friend requests. Who in real life asks someone to be their friend? I haven’t done that since the monkey bars at recess. A friend request isn’t really asking a person to be your friend. And having a lot of “friends” doesn’t mean a lot of people like you. A friend request is essentially a request for permission to view and comment on your page. Nothing more. With that in mind, maybe facebook would do well to recategorize those requests. Imagine...you log on to facebook, and instead of friend requests, you see the following:

You have an “I vaguely remember you Request.” These are mainly to boost the sender’s numbers. They are mostly benign, and usually only a mild irritation as they go about “liking” everything you say.

You have a “People you met while you were out and drunk Request.” You don’t even remember what this person looked like, but they say they danced with you. You add them and they then take it upon themselves to “bar talk” all over your page as if you are long time friends (or more). Uggh. Unfriend.

You have a “Nemesis Request.” This person is your enemy in real life. They stalk your page and only comment to tell you they “don’t like” what you’ve posted. Oh, and their secondary function is to report and or twist what you say and spread it around. These are primarily a thorn in the flesh unless you decide to have fun with them posting things that will irritate them until they self-righteously delete you. They usually won’t do this though because then they don’t have the access that they need to fire back. That is, unless, they have family members who are still your friends. This provides a win-win situation. They can still get access to your business through family members who haven’t unfriended you while “stinging” you with their rejection of you as you watch your numbers fall (Athough I don’t even look anymore to see who unfriends me, so no sting there, suckas!)

You have a “Family Member Request.” These are tricky, because they are the one type of relationship that you can undo on facebook that won’t change the true basis of your relationship in real life. Usually they are harmless, and are a good way of pretending we are all keeping up with family news as we should while not really putting forth any effort to maintain actual contact.

You have an “I’d like to get to know you better Request.” Facebook provides safe distance to watch and get to know someone without actively getting involved until you are sure the person warrants your time and emotional investment. You never really know what these people are thinking, as they are generally quiet and observing. In that way, they don’t stir up a lot of trouble for you as they quietly form their opinion of you based on the cryptic info you share and your other “friends’” comments on your life. Their picture of who you are is likely to be skewed at best.

You have a “People I love and am glad to connect with Request.” This may be the truest use of facebook. When we post our status of the day we often edit it through the eyes of these readers. Although it begs the question, “If I really love them wouldn’t there be a more personal way to do it?” But still, it’s a tool and and good way to renew old relationships we have valued and enhance current ones that we work on outside of facebook as well. These are our actual “friends.”

I tend to forget about the other categories of people that are looking at what I write. But we must remember that those other categories are there. The nemesis will still be watching as always, and as one of mine pointed out earlier today, “If you aren’t clear in your posts, I must assume the worst.” That is reality. There are those who will always apply their own slant to what you say. And I get that. It’s my fault really, for not remembering that I’ve populated my facebook with more than just real friends.

In the beginning I was naive. I joined facebook, like all of you, hoping to see “whatever happened to so and so.” I innocently clicked and sent and accepted friend requests of everyone I knew or had ever known. I’m glad I did. I wouldn’t change anything. Facebook has brought me in contact with some of the most important people in my life. I’m glad to be in contact again with some sweet friends I had lost for a while due to my own negligence. And I am blessed to have found real new friends in people that I initially only added as acquaintances. As far as social media sites go, I’ll give facebook an A+. I jokingly suggest changes--but really facebook is what you make it. What have I made of it? Honestly, I’ve created a monster. And now I’m going to lock it that monster in the closet, close my account and throw away the key. If and when I come back to facebook I will know more about how to optimize the experience. But that will be after the monster dies. Don’t worry. I’ll see some of you again...if we have enough going on that we are willing to sustain our relationship outside of the cut and paste world. But for now...

So long facebook. No, it wasn't real. But it was fun.