Down (and Out!)

Have you ever just wanted to run away from all you know and do your own thing? Have you been to what you thought was the point of no return? Have you been as low as a person can go? I have been to that level. I have searched it out, found it, and made it my intention to set up housekeeping there. Against the pleas of my Lord....against the advice of those who have taught me from my youth. I have made my decisions defiantly in the face of my God. Forgive me! I have fought against Him, pulling to be set free to do my own delights. He for a season had restrained me, not letting me visit the lower level. I fought. I was bitter. I argued with Him. I said "Let me go...it's my life!" Why would He not let me go? “If I am wrong, it will be only me that gets hurt,” I lied to myself, believing it. Still He held tight. Until one day, as I was again making a move to jerk free from His hold, He very quietly stepped aside. With pain in His eyes He watched me as I ran down the steps to Hell.

I exulted in my newfound freedom. As I realized I was free to do what my heart desired, I slowed down and looked around me. I reveled in the new sights, sounds and intoxicating smells that attacked my senses. So this was what I had been missing! I examined each unique step as I headed downward and I said "this is beautiful." Should I turn back? I asked myself those questions. But no, the descent was too sweet. Exciting, unknown, forbidden! Adrenaline fed me. Independence spurred me on. Tiredness and heartache pushed me ahead. I could not turn back. I would go further...and I would stay.

There is a song that I used to love to sing called "Sinner Saved by Grace". In that song, one of the verses says, "Where would I be had God not brought me gently to this place?" Could God still reach me where I was? There was danger in that thought. I did not want God to bring me out of the place I had found for myself. I liked the new world I was entering. So I hid from Him. Outwardly, I appeared I was doing well. I sang. And as I sang I feared that the words of the song I had once loved would come true in my life once more. They would call to me, begging me to let God bring me back. As I attended church and heard the sweet music I would teeter on the bottom step, pondering returning to the higher ground. But the perfume of the place where I had made my bed would draw me back in. There was comfort there. I gave myself to it wholly. I would focus on that fragrance until I was out of the power of the House of God.

Can God reach one of His own who has wandered this far? As I lay down on the earthen floor of that place to sleep my sweet dreams, I was amazed to roll over and find Him on next to me. I turned back over and willed my mind to return to the sensory pleasures around me as I drifted off to sleep. I was too far. Even He could not reach me here. And I was glad of that thought. I smiled to myself as I breathed a contented sigh. At last I was where I wanted to be....free from His grasp.

One day, quite unexpectedly to me, I begin to feel discomfort. The walls of my abode seemed to be closing in. I couldn’t breathe. I looked around at all the joys I had experienced in this place and I began to feel for the first time that I might lose them. Someone, somewhere, even seemed to whisper that I should leave. Indescribable pain racked my body as I knew the loss that I would experience if I left. I surveyed my life and saw devastation. I looked with terror at my neighbors whom I had joined there...and one whom I had invited to join me. And I saw pain. Pain that I had caused. Their eyes held the terror too. Terror of life beyond the pit. How could we ever leave this place? Sobs of distress welled up in my throat as I looked those dear ones in the face and saw only hollows where eyes should be. They were wasting away! Had I done this? It had been beautiful at first. How did it come to this? "We must go", I said to the one nearest me. And to my surprise, he nodded. But he was too weak to make his way out. I would have to guide him. I was unsure of the way. And worse than that, I was unsure of leaving. I hesitated. So did he. I looked again at his starving face and I took his hand. We were coming out!

Fear encroached upon my heart as I took each torturous step upward. What would life be like again on the high ground? I remembered it. It was colorless, tasteless and dry. My body fought me to return downward...but I could see the opening. Fresh air trickled in around the edges of a door at the top. I had not noticed the door on the way in. It was very heavy. How I had managed to get it open to go inside, I don't know. I must have been led by a more fierce desire than even I had realized as I had headed down that path. Upon pushing up the door, air rushed in. Air so cold and so crisp it took my breath away. I breathed in until my lungs hurt. Throbbing, I laid myself down on the greenest grass I had ever seen, right next to the door in the ground. My partner, weary form the ascent tumbled down beside me. Sunlight bathed over me and freshets of air played with my hair. My skin soaked in the rays until I was rosy and warm. I dreamed. In my dream, I lay on the same green grass. Beside me lay my partner. He had been with me the whole time. Together we had experienced all the nuances of the lower world, and now, we were experiencing the exhilarating highness of the open air. Ground, trees, grass, clouds never looked so good to me. Contented, smiling, I turned to my partner. He was ashen and gray. I sat up and took his face in my hands. He was cold. I awoke from the dream not knowing whether I had been able to revive him or not. Then guilty anguish touched my soul as I realized that I was the one who had invited him to join me. In these hours, as I recover from what could have been a life-quenching journey for me, I still don’t know if my partner has been able to revive. That is the worst pain of all.

God's hand on our lives is not a fetter. When we fight it, it can certainly seem so. But when we relax and let him lead, we realize that He holds us tenderly, as a lover holds the hand of his beloved. I am amazed now as I stand on solid ground. I can see down into the pit. All along the walls are warnings that I did not see—ugliness I had been blind to. The horrors of what I have escaped are making themselves known to me. I look around, dazzled by the sunlight and marvel at how gently God has placed me back where I belong.

I'm just a sinner saved by grace.