So many of you have been so kind and sent notes of concern after reading my blog "Keep Swimming". It's comforting to know how many people are out there that care. I've decided to "publish" the story behind the story. This is actually just copied and pasted out of an answer I sent to a friend. I've edited it just a little for posting purposes. I hope it will be a testimony to someone who reads it.
The story behind "Keep Swimming" is my life story. I have always been told how to live a good life for the Lord, but haven't known how to have a relationship with Him. You know how that can become....very tiring! I relate it to swimming and getting nowhere. Before I knew it, I was swimming just for the sake of swimming. Others around me were making no progress either. There are so many of us who are just working to please the Lord and have lost sight of Him. There are a few out there who are making it, but they seem unreachable. We can't attain to their level of joy or abundant life. Even those words, joy, abundant life, sounded just like empty words to me.
I knew God was the giver of love, joy, peace (warmth) but I couldn’t experience those things while I was just performing and not having relationship. I swam harder, hoping it would give me that relationship. Fortunately, that’s not how God works. I'm so glad to know what I know now, that I please Him by relationship, not perfection. I now wonder how much of the swimming was my idea in the first place. My efforts in my own strength blocked God's power to reach me. (Having a form of Godliness but denying the power thereof).
In the midst of my struggle, I did begin to feel very hopeless. This part of the story is especially descriptive of how I felt as I began to look at the world (the boat) and wonder if it held any more abundant life than my constant performance was getting me. In the end, I denied God and took up a pet sin (life ring). It seemed to help me to cope. I knew that others around me would treat me harshly, like my fellow swimmer did in the story, if they only knew. They would tell me to just straighten up. It was harder than that. I felt so desperate that I clung to my sin like an addict holds to drugs. I wonder how many Christians like me turn to sins or even addictions when they finally reach the conclusion that they can never measure up. I would try to get rid of my particular stronghold, and then I would panic when I thought of having to survive and work to please God again. Finally, at the time I wrote "Keep Swimming" (a few months ago) I decided to give up the sin for good. But I didn't know the next step. I wrote exactly what I was feeling at the time...a determination to leave the sin once and for all, and a general confusion about how to begin my life with God again. I was sure that God was there and just hoped that I could someday feel His warmth and presence. I didn't want to go back to just performance but didn't know any other way, so I asked, "what do I do now, keep swimming?"
God reveals himself to those who seek Him. When you know no other way and you ask Him, He will show you. He also gives us people in our lives that can be just what we need, if we'll open our eyes and see that they are there. Swallowing my pride, I called someone whom I looked up to in the faith and told him about my struggles. God used him to point me in the direction of living a grace filled life. I'm still learning. But what I've learned most has been that God is more important to Him than how good I am. If you have been raised in a legalistic background, your brain may have just tuned out. Read it again. Your relationship with God is more important to Him than how good you are. Think about your kids. If your daughter became pregnant for instance, would you want her to hide it, maybe even get an abortion in order to appear good to you and maintain your relationship as you had always known it? Or would you want her to share it with you? As much as it would hurt, you would want her to share it. You would feel a lack of relationship if she felt she had to go it alone and that she wasn't good enough for you. You would let her know that while you didn't approve of her sin, you still loved her the same. Chances are, your relationship with your daughter would be even closer after that. But look at how we do the same with God. We deny ourselves relationship with Him when we don't measure up (and we NEVER measure up). We kind of paint him to be a big, bad, no-blessing-giving parent, don't we?
The good news is that I am in the sun today. There are many factors that contributed to it, but I think the main one is that I sought HIM. He rewarded me with Himself. I have never experienced God like I do now. My feelings of "not good enough" are His to deal with and I am just basking in His acceptance. It is wonderful! All I have been throught has brought me closer to Him and given me more to be able to give others. If there is anything I can do for you, to help you experience God's goodness, please let me know. I'm so glad to be able to share this with you!
Stop swimming...take up flying!
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