Search the Scriptures

Recently I was cornered on a facebook status to clarify my religious stance. I wasn’t quite ready to do so, but what the heck. I own it. I’m an atheist. Yep. The whole, “no god” thing. That’s me.

I’ve gotten quite a few responses to that revelation. Some public, some private. Some were supportive. Others leery or concerned. I have been encouraged by more than one person to write about my journey. I have chosen to do that by answering Frequently Asked Questions, addressing Common Misconceptions and exploring Friendly Advice/Exhortations. The first in this series will be from the “exhortations” category. I have been encouraged to:

“Read the Bible.”

Ok...whew. Read the Bible? Really? Ok, maybe you really don’t know my background, so we will start there.

Ok. Ahem. Allow me to introduce myself. I was practically born in church. At two years of age, I could recite the Books of the Old and New Testament and retell Bible Stories. I attended a Christian school from the age of three. I ‘received Christ’ at age 4, and began witnessing immediately. At 6, I was too shy to speak directly, so I recorded a music box song of “Jesus Loves the Little Children” onto my cassette recorder and took an illustrated Bible along with homemade flashcards of verses to display as the music played. I would then lead my playmates in prayer. My school taught the Bible in EVERY subject to the neglect of actual studies. I have memorized many, many psalms, large portions of Genesis and Proverbs, and Paul’s writings, countless individual verses, as well as the entire books of Ephesians, Philemon, James, 1st, 2nd & 3rd John, & Jude. I can explain any doctrine to you and can talk infinitely about God’s grace and His sovereignty and if you’d like, I can even contrast those two points of His character or conversely explain how they can coexist. I can give you a “promise of God” for every trial and a word from the Scripture for any question you have. I CAN BEAT YOU AT BIBLE TRIVIA AND SWORD DRILLS, suckas! :) Through my studies and education, I understand that the word of God is infallible and useful for all things, that God’s ways are not for us to understand, and that faith in spite of evidence is our high calling. I KNOW the Bible. Your exhortation to me to ‘search the Scriptures’ is dismissive, implying that if I only KNEW the Bible, I wouldn’t disbelieve now. Try to grasp it that I do know the Bible and am still an atheist. I know it’s hard to do. I must be doing something wrong....maybe I was never really saved so I don’t really have the Holy Spirit to guide me in understanding (if the Gospel be hidden, it is hid to them that are lost), or maybe I’ve ventured so far into sin that I can’t see the truth (‘having their conscience seared’, or “given over to a reprobate mind’). But what if none are those things are true?

What if I really was all the things I claimed all these years, and now, quite rationally, have come to this place? What then? Can you take a moment to fathom that? Because if you can’t do that, you are discounting all I’ve ever been or claimed to be. I’m here to say today that my character has not changed. If you knew me to be sensitive to do what is right...I still am. You knew me to be quick to forgive and ask forgiveness...I am still that person. You knew me to be honest...I have retained that honesty. And now, on top of all of what you already knew about me, I am living that way, not out of hope for an eternal reward, but because I want to be able to live with myself. I ask myself who I want to be and then I am that person. Twice last week I was overpaid. Once at the bank and once at work. I did what I would have always done with the money. I returned it. But it wasn’t for fear of displeasing a higher power, or because I needed to be a good testimony, or for a reward I might gain in Heaven. It was because I know what kind of person I want Hope Williams to be.

Is it possible for me to know the Bible and not believe? I submit to you that I do. And please tell me, at what point do I get to quit searching the Bible for answers? Another year? It’s been 38. I hear you. You’re telling me that I should NEVER give up. Keep plowing through the Book. Keep looking. Seek ye the Lord. As I continue to find answers outside my faith, at what point does it become obvious that the only reason I would continue to search the Bible would be to desperately hold on to something I can no longer accept? If I must force that belief, why? Would it be so wrong to step back and examine the desperation, that drives us to cling to the illogical? At what point are we totally closing our eyes to all that makes sense in the world so that we can continue to believe in a fairy tale?

Read the Bible. Hmmm. How about I read something else now?

Buffy!

Watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer today for the first time. I guess I was thinking that, with a name like Buffy and a job like Vampire Slayer, that I was about to watch one mean dyke-ish bitch fight her way through dimly lit tunnels in another time. I was pleasantly surprised. Sarah Michelle Gellar, who plays Buffy is very cute. (She reminds me of Kellie Martin who was the star of one tv show I actually did watch where one religious group of missionaries tried to teach another group that their “superstitions” were wrong. But anyway, I liked that show and thought she was cute too. Even their mannerisms and voices are similar.) Buffy isn’t a tomboy at all. In fact, since she knows exactly how far from a Neiman Marcus she is, she might be more of a girl than I am. Willow, whom I met in the first episode and assume will continue to be a main character, reminds me of Jan Brady, to the point that I think the actress must have learned her skills watching the Brady Bunch. So, yeah, it’s a little hoaky and over the top--which I think is a feeling that some of my more knowledgeable film-loving friends like to call “campy.” All in all, I liked it. I watched it with my 10 year old son, who wanted to watch the next episode to find out what would happen after the “...to be continued.”

I also, thought I'd listen my way through the list on the previous post, and since "Imagine" was first (though, yes, I AM familiar with that one) I thought I'd start there. Beautiful thoughts. Thank you John Lennon. Click here to listen again.

Where have I not heard that before?

Music-

Definitely a topic for exploration. I found this list online of 100 all-time best rock-and-roll songs. What do you think? What other music should I definitely hear in 2011?

#100: "Heroes" by David Bowie 1977

#99: "I Fought the Law" by Bobby Fuller Four 1966

#98: "Ain't No Sunshine" by Bill Withers 1971

#97: "House of the Rising Sun" by The Animals 1964

#96: "Mr. Tambourine Man" by The Byrds 1965

#95: "Whole Lotta Love" by Led Zeppelin 1969

#94: "For What It's Worth" by Buffalo Springfield 1967

#93: "Fortunate Son" by Creedence Clearwater Revival 1969

#92: "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by The Rolling Stones 1969

#91: "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane 1967

#90: "California Dreamin'" by The Mamas & the Papas 1965

#89: "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green 1971

#88: "Higher Ground" by Stevie Wonder 1973

#87: "Purple Haze" by The Jimi Hendrix Experience 1967

#86: "Losing My Religion" by R.E.M. 1991

#85: "The Boxer" by Simon & Garfunkel 1970

#84: "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor 1970

#83: "White Room" by Cream 1968

#82: "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac 1977

#81: "Baba O'Riley" by The Who 1971

#80: "Everyday People" by Sly & the Family Stone 1969

#79: "Sixty Minute Man" by The Dominoes 1951

#78: "Falling Slowly" by Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová 2006

#77: "I Got You (I Feel Good)" by James Brown 1965

#76: "Smokestack Lightnin'" by Howlin' Wolf 1956

#75: "Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown)" by The Beatles 1965

#74: "Jailhouse Rock" by Elvis Presley 195

#73: "Dream On" by Aerosmith 1973

#72: "Respect" by Aretha Franklin 1965

#71: "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty 1989

#70: "Redemption Song" by Bob Marley & the Wailers 1980

#69: "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath 1970

#68: "Superstition" by Stevie Wonder 1974

#67: "The End" by The Doors 1967

#66: "With or Without You" by U2 1987

#65: "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon & Garfunkel 1970

#64: "Boom Boom" by John Lee Hooker 1962

#63: "The Message" by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five 1982

#62: "Louie Louie" by The Kingsmen 1963

#61: "London Calling" by The Clash 1979

#60: "Sultans of Swing" by Dire Straits 1978

#59: "Shake, Rattle and Roll" by Big Joe Turner 1954

#58: "Somebody to Love" by Jefferson Airplane 1967

#57: "A Day in the Life" by The Beatles 1967

#56: "Purple Rain" by Prince and The Revolution 1984

#55: "Blowin' in the Wind" by Bob Dylan 1963

#54: "Thunder Road" by Bruce Springsteen 1975

#53: "Tutti Frutti" by Little Richard 1956

#52: "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson 1982

#51: "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones 1965

#50: "Maybellene" by Chuck Berry 1955

#49: "The Times They Are A-Changin'" by Bob Dylan 1964

#48: "Voodoo Child (Slight Return)" by The Jimi Hendrix Experience 1967

#47: "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin 1975

#46: "Proud Mary" by Creedence Clearwater Revival 1969

#45: "Light My Fire" by The Doors 1967

#44: "God Only Knows" by The Beach Boys 1966

#43: "The Weight" by The Band 1968

#42: "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by The Beatles 1968#41: "Black" by Pearl Jam 1991

#40: "Dancing in the Street" by Martha and the Vandellas 1964

#39: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by U2 1987

#38: "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd 1974

#37: "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding 1968

#36: "Bo Diddley" by Bo Diddley 1955

#35: "Won't Get Fooled Again" by The Who 1971

#34: "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen 1975

#33: "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" by James Brown 1966

#32: "The Tracks of My Tears" by The Miracles 1965

#31: "You Really Got Me" by The Kinks 1964

#30: "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana 1991

#29: "Hound Dog" by Elvis Presley 1956

#28: "In My Life" by The Beatles 1965

#27: "Sunshine of Your Love" by Cream 1967

#26: "Sympathy for the Devil" by The Rolling Stones 1968

#25: "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd 1979

#24: "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" by Marvin Gaye 1968

#23: "Be My Baby" by The Ronettes 1963

#22: "My Generation" by The Who 1965

#21: "That'll Be the Day" by The Crickets 1957

#20: "What'd I Say" by Ray Charles 1959

#19: "No Woman, No Cry" by Bob Marley and the Wailers 1974

#18: "Good Vibrations" by The Beach Boys 1966

#17: "All Along the Watchtower" by The Jimi Hendrix Experience 1968

#16: "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd 1975

#15: "Heartbreak Hotel" by Elvis Presley 1956

#14: "Yesterday" by The Beatles 1965

#13: "Gimme Shelter" by The Rolling Stones 1969

#12: "Born to Run" by Bruce Springsteen 1975

#11: "Oh, Pretty Woman" by Roy Orbison 1964

#10: "Hey Jude" by The Beatles 1968

#9: "One" by U2 1991

#8: "Hotel California" by The Eagles 1976

#7: "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye 1971

#6: "Let It Be" by The Beatles 1970

#5: "Like a Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan 1965

#4: "Layla" by Derek & the Dominos 1970

#3: "Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry 1957

#2: "Stairway to Heaven" by Led Zeppelin 1971

#1: "Imagine" by John Lennon 1971

What did I miss?

Where to start is still as big of a question as it was. But I got a lot of insight tonight. A LOT. Around dinner we discussed the pop culture aspect of my lackings (well, I listened). Apparently I need to see Buffy the Vampire Slayer, 90210, Heathers, Friends, Xena, My So Called Life, Family Guy and of COURSE(!) Simpsons and Seinfeld! AND---I can’t even remember all the things I MUST see!

But it was good. I think I found some enthusiastic contributors to my catch up list. And I want you to contribute as well. You know the categories, music, art, pop culture, literature, etc. I’m tired of saying “huh?” in conversations or just blanking out because I have no idea what was just said.

I’m imagining myself to appear somewhat Amish to my new friends. In my mind, there is a lot of difference between me and the Amish, but to my non-religious friends, I do think I make an interesting study case. And why not? You know how much fun it is to share something you love with someone who has never experienced it. Maybe it’s a place, a food, a movie. So I can definitely understand the fun. It’s like watching a baby learn to walk. Except I’m an adult. Does that make it more special? Or just messed up?

Two things I learned tonight:

1. I WILL NOT catch up in a year. However, I still insist on calling it my “Catch Up Year” because it is the year I will make the most progress, I will go through suggested, watching, listening, viewing, reading, etc, with intention, and this is the year I will chronicle it.

2. Someone mentioned tonight that there’s a good chance I might not even like what I’m exposed to. That maybe I won’t be interested after all. I am sure that is a great possibility. Like the time I had never been to a baseball game and wanted desperately to go and experience that piece of Americana and then I hated it. But there has also been plenty that I’ve tried and loved. I think the point was to try everything and find what I love.

So, this year, as I catch up, maybe I won’t watch all 20 seasons of the Simpsons. But I will be exposed. I will watch the Simpsons. And I will know what ‘doh’ means. Whether I fall in love with Bart, or Buffy, or the Gilmore Girls remains to be seen. So, make your suggestions. I will taste it all and spit nothing out. And next time we see each other, maybe I’ll say something clever like “Would that show be anything without NPH?”

And I’ll get a sick little joy in my heart as I see someone hesitate trying to think who that is. Or worse...maybe they’ll have to google it.

Where to start?

So I guess I need to put together some sort of list, if this year I am going to “catch up” to normal.

Some of you may have no idea what I’m talking about. See, I come from a religion, and a family where we did, well, nothing. Let me give you just a little list of things I wasn’t allowed to watch (along with the ‘reason’ why)

FILM AND TELEVISION

Bewitched (magic is of the devil)

I Dream of Jeannie (see above)

Cheers (takes place in a bar)

Star Wars (God is the only Force)

Sorcerer’s Apprentice (C’mon...Sorcerer? Duh)

Any Late Show (I don’t know why)

Saturday Night Live (No one said why--it was just bad)

E.T. (Just seems wrong)

My family didn’t have a strictly no tv rule, per se, but the code was so strict it was difficult to find what was acceptable. Movies were not explicitly forbidden either, although going to the theater was. I do remember watching about half of a lot of movies on tv before someone came in and turned it off because it was inappropriate. Poltergeist was just getting interesting when...well, you know.

READING

In school, we were exposed to Christian literature and the Bible. ‘Secular’ literature (Shakespeare, Tolstoy, Dante, etc) was provided in the form of a digest of short entries studded with disclaimers and examined for misleading ideas of humanism or incorrect theology.

ART

Art was not valued or taught in my school and was briefly reviewed one semester along with proper religious analysis and disdain.

MUSIC

Only Christian or classical music was tolerated, and only some of that. ‘Christian Rock’ of course was evil as was any pop song, rap, etc. Inappropriate music was confiscated. It was a really big deal. I remember several book and music burnings at my church and school.

HISTORY

Even current events were largely ignored unless it involved inauguration of the “right” president, etc. In that case, the evil television set would be moved into the school chapel for us to “witness history.” History that we didn’t like was ignored or rewritten. It was something akin to the modern-day uproar around playing President Obama’s addresses to school children.

MATH and SCIENCE

These subjects were at best weak. We possessed no science lab and I never saw or was involved with even one chemical experiment, science project, reaction or dissection of any kind. Math was self-taught and the teachers mostly couldn’t help us with it either.

I don’t say these things to demean those who tried to educate me and others. They were most likely doing the best they could and most certainly were doing what they thought was right. They strongly believed that filling our heads with Scripture and protecting us from outside influences was the greatest gif they could give. I do appreciate their sincerity, although I believe ti to have been misguided.

However, all that aside. It is now time to catch up. What should I have seen, learned and experienced? What do I need to fill in?

I know there is a lot, but I’m not even sure where to start.

2011--A year for Catching Up--And no, not like last year

For 2010 I made a very small, modest list of things I wanted to accomplish. The list was unambitious at best and contained only 5 items. I completed two of them.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have known that resolutions were not necessary in the world of huge change into which I was about to throw myself. Before the plunge I had never made my own decisions, paid my own bills and had barely even stood up for myself. I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed, provide for myself, or keep my head up when it all looked like a mistake.

Now, a year later, I have a reserve of memories and successes that spur me on as I continue to face the challenges I have taken on in order to make my life what I want it to be. I won’t bore you with those things in this post.

However, among the more laughable memories of 2010, is my List of “Firsts,” which resembles a list that a college freshman might make. It is not an example of how I have lived my life. It is more an example of how I didn’t live it before.

Some of it is mischief. Okay, most of it is mischief. Some of it is personal. In an effort to demonstrate at least some measure of discretion, I will leave you to your wild imagination on things too personal or too mischievous (or both) to post. Just be assured that these are real entries that I replaced with dashes.

Year of Firsts

First facial piercing

First girl’s night out

First time in a bar

First time to dance

First time to ---

First ---

First Sunday not at church

First ---

First ---

First time to ---

First ---

First move to another US city

First apartment of my own

First time living alone

First permanent non-ministry job

First time to see ‘forbidden movies’ including Ghostbusters and Pee Wee Herman

First non-Christian concert

First cigar

First 5K

First time to ---

First unnatural hair color

First ---

First time in court

And so I began to fill in gaps of things that, in many people’s lives, would have been tried at a much earlier age. This year I hope to fill in even more gaps.

And there are many.

I have gaps in exposure and education, due to my upbringing and the intolerance of ideas that I grew up with. This year, 2011, will be a year of catching up. Not of catching up on experiences, but in filling in the spots in my mind that scream for knowledge and stimulation. Topics that were ignored in my “education” that I hope to cover include art, mythology, influential people of our time, politics, literature, and pop culture such as video games, music, movies and tv. Areas I won’t be covering include Bible Memory and Creationism. Thanks to my 12 years in Christian School and 20 years in the ministry I think I’ve pretty well got those covered.

Oh, and should I also attempt to fill in gaps in history, science and math? Tackling the algebra I didn’t learn in school seems a little overwhelming when viewed alongside all the rest I just signed up for. After all, it wasn't till this year that I knew who Chubaka was. But we’ll see...